Across The Universe: The Abridged Version
by Fandom Jumper
Summary: I'm not very good at being funny, usually. But I think this ATU parody thing turned out pretty well. No flames, por favor! Rated T for language and stuff.


**TB: This type of story has been done with RENT, Lost, Harry Potter, and several other fandoms, and I haven't seen one yet for the ATU fandom. And I decided there needed to be something funny in the ATU fandom, cuz mostly everything I've read so far has ended sadly, or sad things are happening. Unfortunately, I'm usually not very funny. I tried very hard for this story, though. So, here's an attempt at a funny story for the ATU fandom! Whooo!

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**Across The Universe: The Abridged Version**

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Jude: (is sitting on a beach) The show begins in media res for some reason…and if you don't know what that means, then you've obviously never studied _The Odyssey_.

(Flashes of the riot appear in the ocean)

Audience: Wait a minute…why is Janis Joplin singing "Helter Skelter?"

**---**

Lucy: I love you, Daniel!

Daniel: I love you too, even though I'm leaving you to go kill people in Vietnam.

(Elsewhere…)

Molly: I love you, Jude!

Jude: I love you too, Mol--oh look! A random, sexy lady just walked by!

Molly: Hey! I'm over here!

Jude: Right, sorry. I love you, really!

Molly: (pouts) You'll be gone next week, and I'll be sad.

Jude: Just promise me you won't hook up with that ugly Phil bloke while I'm away.

**---**

Desmond, the shipyard guy: When I'm sixty-four…

Phil: (says something that's difficult to understand unless you're Liverpudlian)

Jude: …Yeah, anyway…

Jude's mom: What's so great about America, anyway? What's over that that isn't here?

Jude: My father…

Jude's mom: What?

Jude: Ah…nothing!

**---**

Molly: So, I totally think that you're going to America to get away from me.

Jude: No!

Molly: You'd better write me every day, you bastard.

(Elsewhere…)

Daniel: (leaves in a car)

Daniel's mom: Bye, honey! Have fun! Don't talk to strangers!

Lucy: (tries to run after the car)

Audience: Why did she do that? She didn't really think that she would stop the car, did she?

(Elsewhere…)

Prudence: I really want to hold her hand.

Cheerleaders: Rah, rah! Sis boom bah! Goooooo team!

Football players: (crash into each other)

Prudence: Ohio sucks. I'm leaving.

**---**

Max: (enters)

Girls in audience: (fall over)

Jude: Hey, where's Professor Hubert?

Max: Who?

Jude: You know…Professor Wesley Hubert? He's probably tall, handsome, and really smart?

Max: Do you even know who you're talking abou--oh wait, there's Wes Hubert the janitor. Maybe that's who you're looking for. (Points to ugly, fat man on a ladder)

Jude: …I think maybe I'll kill myself.

Wes: No work for Limeys.

Jude: Daddy?

Wes: Holy shit, you're Martha's kid!

Jude: I can't believe you left my mother, you stupidhead!

Wes: If I'd known, I would have stayed!

Jude: Yeah, whatever.

---

Max: Hey guys, let's whack a couple balls around, if you know what I mean.

Max's friends: All riiiiiiiight! Whooo!

Max: FORE! (hits golf ball)

Window: (shatters)

Max and friends: YESSSSSS!

Guy in building: Hey! You broke it!

Max: Heh, that's what she--

Guy in building: Boys, get the shoe polish!

Max and friends: Oh shit…(run for it)

Jude: I think maybe I'll save this guy's ass (provides Max with shelter). My random act of kindness for the day has been completed.

Max: You the assistant janitor?

Jude: No, I'm a foreigner.

Max: Cool! I'm Max

Jude: I'm Jude.

Max: Come meet my friends. I get by with a little help from them.

Boys: (sing the best version of "With A Little Help From My Friends" EVER.)

Girls in audience: (fall in love with Max's voice)

**---**

Lucy: Daniel's coming home!

Prudence: (hitchhikes)

Max and Jude: (are driving home)

Lucy's math class: It won't be long, yeah…

Lucy: YEEEEEEEEEEEAH!

Teacher: Stop talking or I'll give you detention!

Max: For high schoolers, some of these girls are really cute.

Jude: (points) Especially that one.

Max: That's my little sister, Lucy

Jude: …Oh

Lucy: MAX! (hugs)

Girls in audience: Lucky girl…

Max: This is my Limey friend, Jude

Lucy: Hi!

Jude: So, what's this holiday we're celebrating, again?

Max: Basically, it's a time to eat food and stuff.

Lucy: The white people were really mean to the Indians.

Max and Jude: Okaaaaay…

---

Max: I'm dropping out of college

Grandma: I don't like the cranberry sauce as much this year.

Max's parents: WTF?!

Grandma: I'm sorry, I just don't like it.

Max: I don't like college. It sucks.

Uncle Teddy: What you do defines who you are, Maxwell!

Max: Hey, let's bring Jude into the conversation now!

All: (look at Jude)

Jude: Um…hello

Lucy: Sorry 'bout that

Jude: You have pretty teeth! I mean, um…

Max: (growl) I hate our family. Luce, Jude…let's go crazy.

All: (go to bowling alley)

Jude: There's something about the way she throws that bowling ball that makes me love her…

Max: Hey Jude, let's go to New York tonight.

Jude: (stalling) But um…I like it here, too.

Max: But they have orgies in New York!

Jude: Well…

Max: ORGIES! They don't have those here!

People in bowling alley: But we do have people sliding down the bowling lanes and dancing under colored lights! (all do so)

Jude: Okay, let's go to New York, it's too weird here.

---

Max and Jude: (climb up amazingly long staircase)

Jude: (panting) I'm…not…living…here…

Sadie: (opens door) Hey, boys

Max and Jude: I'm SO living here!

Sadie: There's no mirror in your bathroom, but there's a window.

Jude: Okay…

Max: She's hot

Jude: Not as hot as your sister, but…I mean, what?

---

Government: Ma'am, your son Daniel is dead.

Daniel's mom: Oh God…

Lucy: Nooooo…

(In Detroit)

JoJo's brother: Let it be, let it be…(dies in some way that the audience doesn't see) (AN: I totally did _not_ mean to rhyme there, really.)

Daniel's funeral: It's sad here.

JoJo's brother's funeral: It's sad here, too.

JoJo: I think I'll leave for New York soon.

Lucy: (lying on her bed) I hate my life…I need anti-deppressants.

---

Creepy singing guy in the bus station: La la la…

JoJo: Weirdo.

Guy with creepy molest-ache (AN: That's a mustache that is really creepy) surrounded by black women: You've got to be free!

Dancing dude: Wheeeeeee…!

Guy with molest-ache: Come together!

JoJo: I think I'm gonna leave this part of town now…

Everyone in the city: (dances)

Dancing businessmen: We can bust-a-move with our breifcases!

Ballerina businessman: I can do manly ballet moves with mine!

JoJo: What the hell was I thinking when I moved here?

A different guy with a creepy molest-ache: (saves JoJo from getting run over by a taxi.)

Max: (is driving the taxi) Idiot!

JoJo: Hey, these people need a guitarist!

Sadie: Hmm…I like this guy. He can live with us, too.

JoJo: Sweet! I get to live with a sexy woman!

Jude: Is music like, the only think you think about?

JoJo: Music's the only thing that makes sense anymore.

Audience: Amen!

Prudence: (comes in through the bathroom window) I ran away, can I live here?

Jude and JoJo: Yeah, okay, sure.

Sadie: Oh, hello random young Asian girl who randomly appeared in my home.

Prudence: (heavenly choir plays in her head)

---

Lucy: Mom, I want to go to New York.

Lucy's mom: Um…no, your brother's a loser who joins orgies.

Lucy: I won't let the city get to me!

(In New York)

Sadie: WHY DON'T WE DO IT IN THE ROOOOOOAD!

Lucy: …

Prudence: Sadie's great. I don't sleep with Jude or your brother anymore.

Lucy: …Good to know.

Jude: Wanna go outside?

Lucy: Okay, sure.

Jude: I heard your boyfriend died.

Lucy: Yeah, and Max got a draft letter.

Jude: A what?

(At Katz's Delicatassen)

Max: Fuck, I have to go to an induction center.

Hippie dude: They don't take homos.

Prudence: Or pedophiles.

JoJo: Or druggies.

Sadie: Cuz I'm sure you all would know…

Max: (burns paper)

Jude: You'd really think that a waiter or someone would see the flame and kick us out or something.

---

Jude: You have pretty eyes. I think I'll draw a picture of you with this random art stick that I found.

Policeman: Hey! Stop turning that crappy wall into a work of art!

Lucy: No! (runs away with Jude)

Policeman: (waddle-runs past them)

Jude: It's safe! (throws art stick into water)

Lucy: (falls in love with Jude)

(At a party…)

Lucy: If I fell in love with you…

Jude: You mean you haven't yet? (make out)

Lucy: Well, if there was any doubt in my mind, you just got rid of it with that kiss.

---

Max: Morning Luce--OH MY GOD!

Lucy and Jude: (smile sheepishly)

Max: For the love of God, put some clothes on. And FYI, I'm going to go enlist in my death sentence now.

(At the induction center…)

Uncle Sam: I want you so bad!

Max: That's awkward…

Seargents: (strip Max.)

Girls in audience: Yay!

Max and other boys: (carrying Lady Liberty…who is so heavy) We're saving Vietnam in our underwear! Whoo!

Seargent dude: Do you have any reason that you shouldn't be shipped out to the middle of nowhere so you can be forced to kill people and possibly die for your country?

Max: I'm a cross-dressing homosexual pacifist with a spot on my lung.

Seargent: Okay, you're good to go. (sends Max to Vietnam anyway.)

Max: I'm pissed. And no way am I going to live in Canada.

Sadie: I want JoJo.

Prudence: I want Sadie.

Lucy: How is it that I'm the only one who actually knows that Prudence isn't straight? I think it's kind of obvious, especially after "I Wanna Hold Your Hand."

---

Max: So like, Prudence has locked herself in a closet and stuff.

JoJo: Is there some kind of metaphor there that we're supposed to understand?

Sadie: It's okay, Prudence. We still love you.

Prudence: I am NOT hung up on Max.

Girls in audience: Well then, you're the only one.

Lucy: Hey Prudence, guess what? The sky is melting into the room!

Prudence: Really? I gotta check that out! (comes out of the closet).

Jude: There's that pesky metaphor again.

Paco: RAWR! OUR GOVERNMENT SUCKS! SPAZ x10!!!!!!!!!!!

Lucy: Huh…I kind of like what that guy has to say. Maybe I'll go talk to him.

---

Max: So like, when did Prudence leave? I definetely don't remember that happening.

Sadie: I don't know man, but I gotta go talk to this dude who may want to give me a record deal. And why are you wearing my shirt? Put it back!

Max: Don't make me bang my silver hammer on your head.

---

Crazy awesome bus that everyone wants to ride in after they see it: (passes by)

Sadie: Whoa! I wanna ride in that bus!

Bill: You may have a chance, if you sign with my label and totally screw over the rest of your band.

Sadie: Ummm…I don't know…

---

Lucy: This place is definetely insanely colorful.

Jude: And then punch is grrrrrrrrrrrrreat! Whooo!

Bill: Sadie, I don't like the guitarist.

Sadie: Sucks to be you, then.

JoJo: …

Dr. Robert: I am the walrus! Goo goo g'joob!

Max: Dr. Robert, those aren't tusks…that's a molest-ache!

Everyone: (gets drunk off the mystery punch and randomly get on the bus and all drive away.)

Dr. Robert: I'm a masturbating alligator.

Jude: I thought you were the walrus.

Dude: Hey Doc, the other guy won't see you.

Dr. Robert: That son of a bitch. Let's go back to California.

Max: Hold on a sec. I'm sober now and I just remembered that I don't live in California.

Jude, Lucy, JoJo, Sadie, and those two annoying girls who cling to Max: Niether do we!

Dr. Robert: Too bad.

Lucy: Hey, let's go check out that circus!

Mr. Kite: The Blue People! The Hendersons! Henry the Horse!

Max: That's Prudence, you tart! And you have a molest-ache, too.

Prudence: OMG hey guys! Oh BTW, this is Rita…(squee)

Sadie: Aha…yeah

Jude: Hey Luce, let's go have sex in freezing cold water. (AN: I got my inspiration for this line from TakeMeOrLeaveMe2010's story "Elanor Rigby." So all props for this line go to her and not me.)

Lucy: Sounds good to me!

---

Max: So…I'm in Vietnam now…this majorly sucks.

Jude: Ooh! Lucy's naked! I think I'll go _Titanic_ for a minute and draw a picture of her!

Lucy: You didn't get my left nipple right.

Jude: Whoops.

Lucy: Uh oh, I have to go hang out with Paco and plan our strike attack on Columbia University!

Jude: You spend too much time with that man.

Lucy: I don't think I'm going to Sadie's gig tonight, sorry. (leaves)

Jude: Rawr.

---

Sadie: Oh daaaaaaaaaarling!

JoJo: (messes up on purpose)

Sadie: That's it! (leaves)

JoJo: Oh boy! Solo time!

Jude: RAWR WHY CAN'T I DRAW THIS FRIGGEN APPLE?

Lucy and Paco: Hey, we're setting up a TV in here so you can watch people get killed in Vietnam.

Jude: I'm going to strawberry fields…forever.

Max: Me too!

Lucy: Waaah.

---

Jude: I think Paco wants to sleep with you.

Lucy: That is not true!

Jude: He's surrounded by girls all the time! He's either a shagger or a homosexual.

Lucy: Grrmph. (leaves laundromat)

(Later on…)

Jude: Here's a revolution for you, Luce! (punches Paco)

Audience: YES! FINALLY!

Paco: Ouch! Go away!

News Guy: Martin Luther King Jr. is dead.

Jude: Fuck…wait a sec, who?

JoJo: My guitar is crying. I'm gonna go find Sadie.

Jude: I guess maybe I'll find Lucy then, too. Nothing's gonna change my world.

---

People at Columbia University: STRIKE!

Police: Shut up! (arrest people)

Jude: Hey wait a sec! Don't arrest my woman!

Max: HOLY SHIT PEOPLE ARE LIKE, SHOOTING AT ME AND STUFF!

Random naked Asian ladies: Aaaaaah! (fall into water)

Wes: Hi, son. I came to bail you out.

Jude: Thanks, Daddy!

Wes: You're not arrested for the riot, but you're being deported.

Jude: Fuck.

---

Max: I need a fix, cuz I'm going down.

Mother Superior: (jumps the gun)

Max: Happiness is a warm gun! Oh look, hot nurses!

Nurses: Bang, bang! Shoot, shoot!

Lucy: Paco, what are you doing?

Paco: Making a bomb.

Lucy: I thought the other side did that.

---

Jude: WTF? People were killed in a bomb blast? Holy shit! I hope Lucy was not among them!

Max: It is not stated directly that I talk to you and tell you that she's not dead, but that is, in fact, what happens.

Lucy's mom: I don't like how radical you are, sweetie. I think you should come home.

Lucy: No! It's gonna be all right!

Gun: (fires)

People: RIOT!

Lucy: Ummm…I gotta go. I'll talk to you later, Mom! (hang up)

---

Max: WTF I have a molest-ache now? Crap! Hey Jude, come back!

Jude: Okay. (becomes legal)

Max: JUDEY JUDEY JUDEY JUDEY JUDEY!

Jude: MAAAAAAAX! (hug)

Audience: Awww!

Max: Let's go to a rooftop concert that Sadie's performing at. Lucy should be there.

Lucy: (is not there)

Max: Prudence, you tart, did you give her the right address?

Prudence: I thought I did.

Max: Rawr, you stupid girl!

Prudence: Hey, just cuz I'm gay, it doesn't mean I'm stupid. Gay is not a synonym for stupid!

Max: Homosexuals are gay!

Prudence: No kidding.

Max: Hey look, police!

Jude: Uh oh. (hides)

All: (descend) Hey wait a sec, where's Jude?

Jude: All you need is love!

Lucy: I know that voice!

Police: You can't come back up!

Lucy: Fuck. (goes to another building)

All: (return to roof) ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE! LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED!

Lucy: (is in the sky with diamonds)

Max: She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Jude and Lucy: YAAAAY!

**The End**

Audience: Best.Movie.EVER!

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**TB: I hope you guys liked it! Review and tell me what you thought of it!**


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